Day 1144 – More Than Words Can Tell


This happened on my ribs yesterday. Can safely say this is my favoritist, most meaningful piece of ink I own, is also the most painful (healing-wise) I’ve gotten, and will not be my last Dead related tattoo.. Since getting off the booze + benzos and getting on the bus instead… y’all, I have no words because what the Dead have done for me, and so many others (and now I’m tearing up as I type)… I see, feel, hear and EXPERIENCE life in a much different, indescribably beautiful way.

My husband (inadvertently) pulled me aboard the bus a little over a year and a half ago, and I’ll happily never be the same.

I’ve gobbled up annotated lyrics (R.I.P. Robert Hunter; “Box of Rain”, “Ripple”, and “Black Muddy River” opened my eyes + mind in inexplicable ways; and obviously Jerry’s musical accompaniments only enhanced the meaning of them all), devoured documentaries + articles, and relied heavily on live recordings/performances to help see me through good + bad days alike (s/o to the July 19, 1989 performance of “Deal”, btw).

I was a just a kid when Jerry left us, mind you I am grateful I was on this earth at the same time he was if only briefly, and only saw Dead & Co. for the first time this past summer, (where I joyfully found the Wharf Rat table and collected my big, yellow “One Show at a Time” sticker), but all this is to say, though I am not proud of the things I did in my past, I wouldn’t possess this profound passion + lust for life I now have, if it weren’t for those things. The Dead + The Deadheads have enhanced not just my recovery, but my quality of life, too.

Additionally, a few other things happened over this past week of hard-earned time off + days leading up to it (having worked FORTY-EIGHT consecutive days prior, and rounded out my final work week at a whopping 64 hours…):

– My husband adopted two new kittens, Ruby Claire + Cherise (named after a Jerry Garcia Band song; the kids are over the moon)

– I ordered room service for the first time (swanky-ass hotel had a $10/day incentive program if you waived housekeeping, so my order was free) and got a roasted tomato flatbread pizza and a slice of flourless chocolate cake

– Took myself to the movies (saw “Joker)

– Finished reading the memoir “Know My Name” by Chanel Miller (she was the rape victim in the Brock Turner case) — will write a separate post on that later; for now all I can say is, READ THIS BOOK

– Listened to Taylor Swift’s “Red” album at deafening levels while the kids were at school (the album just turned 7-years-old) and I danced, screamed, and sang along to every fucking word

– Made donations to a couple of charities and gave a homeless woman all the cash I had on me

– Handled several chaotic, stressful situations with a sense of grace I’m just now finding within me (p cool, if I do say so myself)

– Was able to talk myself down, out, and away from some intensely turbulent flashbacks (gotta love suppressed trauma and haunting memories turning up unexpectedly)

– Bought all remaining pieces needed for my family’s respective Halloween costumes

– Also remembered + realized how much I love myself + my life and am grateful beyond words to honor and celebrate the fact SOBRIETY + RECOVERY *DELIVER* ALL THE THINGS MY D.O.C.’s ONLY PROMISED ME


NFA ❤⚡💙



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